1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,559 People always ask me, "Jordan, what's it like having two daddies?" 2 00:00:05,560 --> 00:00:11,039 I ask them, "What's it like having two eyes, or two hands, 3 00:00:11,040 --> 00:00:13,560 "or two warm glasses of milk before bed?" 4 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:16,279 Sometimes the best things come in pairs. 5 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:18,119 Gosh, that's really well said, Jordan. 6 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:19,959 Thanks for working on that over the weekend. 7 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,239 Another example is boobs. HE GIGGLES 8 00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:24,159 To my daddies! 9 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:25,640 Let's cut that cake. 10 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:29,119 I wish I had something like that. 11 00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:31,879 A nice, simple interracial, homosexual relationship - 12 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:33,319 you can't beat it. 13 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,399 Well, I think he's probably referring 14 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:38,039 to the deep sense of love and commitment. 15 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:41,519 I think the billion years of animal procreation 16 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:45,160 that led to the Brown bloodline comes to a sad end here. 17 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:48,039 I'll die a virgin. 18 00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:50,799 May as well chop 'em off. PHONE VIBRATES 19 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,600 Put 'em in a blender and drink it up. Huh? 20 00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:58,959 - HE GASPS - Is everything all right, Callum? 21 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:00,400 It-It-It's happened! 22 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,399 My God, who the heck's she? 23 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,479 The one... 24 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:09,880 ...match I have on the dating app. 25 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,639 - Aww! - Atta boy! 26 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,279 He shoots, he scores! 27 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:17,039 LAUGHTER 28 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,679 Guys, I'm so nervous! I've got to do something about this. 29 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,719 - You look good, Callum. - Yeah, you do. 30 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:23,719 She swiped on you in that condition. 31 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:25,760 You must be just her type, hai. 32 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,959 She has a face like a young Linda Nolan, hai. 33 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,679 Mm, yeah - and can I just say, from a female perspective, 34 00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:58,999 she's got a really lovely gyatt. 35 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:02,159 Guys, is this looking any closer to husband material or what? 36 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,839 Cally, you've just got to be yourself. you'll be fine. 37 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,559 No, no, Gemma, being myself is not going to work this time. 38 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:09,639 It's too sad. I need to become someone else. 39 00:02:09,640 --> 00:02:11,279 I need to become someone entirely different. 40 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:14,239 Someone whose genes you'd want in your eggs, you know what I mean? 41 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:15,959 Maybe try a perm? 42 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,360 Hai. 43 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:31,000 Got a delivery here for a certain Gwen. 44 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:35,759 Just a beautiful batch of flowers to match your beautiful face. 45 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:37,559 I dunno. 46 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:38,959 Oh, thanks. 47 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,159 What's it gonna take for a guy to get a beer over here 48 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:42,479 in this goddamned place? 49 00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:43,839 A beer for him and his lady! 50 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:47,239 I wanna provide, ha-ha! SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY 51 00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:49,239 Um... 52 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:51,200 you look different from your profile. 53 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:53,439 Very smiley. 54 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,279 Well, you know what they say, 55 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:58,639 it takes a certain angel to put a smile on a man's face. 56 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:00,279 HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY 57 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:01,319 Um... 58 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:03,719 I'm actually gonna have to go... 59 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:05,479 ...cos of that. 60 00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:07,040 Cos of what you said. 61 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,519 God, fuck. 62 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:17,119 I only did this to impress you! 63 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:19,799 That's why I did my hair like a fucking broccoli. 64 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,479 Fucking shit. 65 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,559 Aw, well done, Callum, you've done it again. 66 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,560 HE SOBS QUIETLY 67 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,639 Why are you crying? 68 00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:30,959 I am crying because I am sad, 69 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,479 And I am lonely, 70 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,800 And I sleep on the floor next to my best friend's bed. 71 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,920 You... You poor baby. 72 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,279 Mm-hm. 73 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,439 BIRDSONG 74 00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:57,319 CLUCKING Come on! Come on! 75 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:58,799 Come on! Come on! Oi! 76 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,919 - Ahhh...! - Oi! What's goin' on here? 77 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:03,239 Nothing. It's nothin'. 78 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,639 There's a chicken in my room and you're holding a tiny suit. 79 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:06,919 It's hardly nothing. 80 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:10,039 - What's this? - I've been dressing animals for my scrapbook set. 81 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:11,959 It's no big deal, Lorcy, honestly. 82 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,239 I don't know, I just... 83 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:15,119 Georgina looked so cute with her little red hat, 84 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:17,999 and then, you know, and then I put these little socks on a field mouse, 85 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,399 and... I don't know, just from that point I was hooked. 86 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:22,800 I think I've found my calling - styling animals. 87 00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:27,479 I've never been happier, I'm just having the time of my fucking life! 88 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:28,999 I'm so happy, Lorcy. 89 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,919 - - Ye don't suit 'n' boot a chicken, Gemma. 90 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,199 It's against God's natural order. 91 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:37,199 Oh, come on, Lorc, what's the harm? 92 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,639 You've caused more harm than you know. 93 00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:41,760 There's som'hin' I need to show you. 94 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:44,919 Well, he's just forever tugging, 95 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:48,319 with no regard to where he throws those stained pants of his. 96 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:49,999 - - He could throw them down the side of the bed 97 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,719 that I don't sleep on, but he doesn't. 98 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:53,839 He just doesn't. 99 00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:55,959 I'm sorry, that is a bit of an overshare! 100 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,040 No, no, no, don't stop. 101 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,680 I'm here to get to know you, aren't I? 102 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:07,719 Last year I was milked by a girl on a swan pedalo, 103 00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:11,080 and then she dumped me and got with my other best friend. 104 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:16,719 And that, right there, is my entire romantic history. 105 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,639 - ♪ Let me be the one... ♪ - Oh... 106 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:22,280 Oh, you sad wee bastard. 107 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:24,919 Aw... 108 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,479 What do you mean by that? 109 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:28,760 You're just a wee sad fucker, aren't ya? 110 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,400 Oh, God... 111 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,080 Mm... 112 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:40,559 When I was four my da dangled me out of a two-storey skylight 113 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:42,599 cos he wanted to be like Michael Jackson. 114 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:45,720 So now I piss myself every time I look out a friggin' window. 115 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:48,759 You wanna meet Grainne? 116 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:49,799 Who's Grainne? 117 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,359 Oh, she's a very dirty girl. 118 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:53,639 Oh, I like the sound of that! 119 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,159 I'd love to meet this Grainne. 120 00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:57,079 Mm... Yeah? 121 00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:59,079 You'd be a very lucky boy. 122 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:02,839 Not everyone gets to meet my filthy, sensual lover. 123 00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,119 Oh, my God. 124 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:08,079 I have not roleplayed like this since Final Fantasy X-2. 125 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:10,439 What makes this Grainne so dirty? 126 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:12,879 She disembowels chickens in Moy Park chicken factory. 127 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:14,959 - Ohhh...! - She smells like innards. 128 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,159 Oh, my God, I'd love to get a sniff of her innards. 129 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:18,359 - Oh, yeah? - Mm-hm. 130 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:19,400 Oh, hi, darlin'. 131 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,879 This is my partner, Grainne. 132 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:29,679 Sorry, son, I would've made myself look half presentable. 133 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,159 Ah, you're all right. 134 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:35,199 And how're you doing today, hmm? 135 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:36,479 Oh... 136 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,319 Grainne's wee dog died last week. 137 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:40,839 Isn't that sad? 138 00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:42,079 Oh... 139 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:43,879 I don't wanna ruin the mood, darlin'. 140 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:45,719 No. 141 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:48,839 Well, he was riddled wi' dog cancer - 142 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:51,799 but it was actually a freak accident that got him in the end. 143 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:52,919 Mm. 144 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:56,199 To be honest, it saved the poor 'hing years o' sufferin'. 145 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,919 Only time I've bin' thankful for a car bombing. 146 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,719 Had his arse blown backwards. 147 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:02,760 Yeah. 148 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,640 Mm... 149 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:10,080 - Oh... - Mm... 150 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:13,599 He just didn't come home for his breakfast. 151 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,479 - Tasty tears. - Oh, frig me, bai... 152 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:18,120 - - Had his wee arse blown backwards. 153 00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,399 Lorcy, where are you taking me? 154 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,040 I need a poo, Lorcy. 155 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,760 This is the Ballymacnoose Paranormal Headquarters. 156 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:36,959 What's this? 157 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,919 - Frank... - She's a bloody unknown. 158 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:40,279 Frank, she's with me. 159 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:41,479 She's a bloody unknown. 160 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:43,839 Hey, calm your tits, Swan Lake - she's with me. 161 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:47,520 She's a witness to the latest three-piece, Franklin... 162 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,360 ...within touching distance. 163 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:56,639 She's involved, whether she can hack it or not. 164 00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:58,559 - - Why does your dad have my chicken suit? 165 00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,239 Don't say a word. Just watch. 166 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:01,799 OK. 167 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:04,399 You're never going to believe why I'm on this mountain - 168 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,039 and come to think of it, I find it hard to believe myself. 169 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:09,879 Let's meet the man who claims to have met the fairies. 170 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:13,799 That man is PJ O'Hare, a Carlingford publican 171 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:16,799 who has in his possession the clothes of a leprechaun. 172 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,719 That's the little hat now - 173 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,839 and the jacket... 174 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:24,559 - ...and if we... - Watch! - ...try to hold them together, 175 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,039 allowing room for his head, 176 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,600 and then his... 177 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,079 I don't know how he kept his trousers up, 178 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:33,600 but he didn't leave his shoes. 179 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:35,639 Christ on a bike! 180 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:38,119 The story has happened in other parts of Ireland, 181 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:41,079 where a leprechaun can throw off his clothes 182 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:44,079 and if you ever saw the film The Incredible Hulk, 183 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,879 he can expand himself into a figure - 184 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:50,319 now, as big, possibly, as a sheep or a ram standing on its hindlegs, 185 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:53,319 or a greyhound standing on its hindlegs... 186 00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:57,439 I also meant to tell ye that there were coins with... with the suit. 187 00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,239 Jesus, no matter how many times I see that 188 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:00,559 I can never get used to it. 189 00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:01,920 It's fucking chilling. 190 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:06,800 We haven't had a chance now to have had a complete, er... 191 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:10,519 Over the last month, 192 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:15,039 I have been amassing a collection of tiny clothing. 193 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:19,839 It is my regretful contention that Boggins's Farm is under an invasion 194 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:25,559 from a leprechaun masquerading as various Boggins Farm fauna. 195 00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,479 SHE GASPS 196 00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:28,640 Oh, no! 197 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,199 You seriously need to cut this out. 198 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,439 Come on, Lorcy. I'm, like, THIS close to completing my set. 199 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:38,559 Literally, I just need a sheep in a boxers, 200 00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:40,319 a goose in a caftan 201 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:42,439 and a, um... Oh, a quail in slacks - 202 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:44,479 - and then I'm done, and then I'm out of the game forever. - Gemma! 203 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,679 - I promise, I promise. - Gemma! This is not funny. 204 00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:49,879 My da's losing the plot. 205 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,319 You cut this out, 206 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,679 or I'll tell him that you've been fannying with the animals. 207 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,479 I'll stop. I pinky promise, Lorcy. 208 00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:57,839 I'm sorry. 209 00:09:57,840 --> 00:09:59,240 I love you. 210 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:14,839 Look, I just don't think this is for me, Gwen. I'm sorry. 211 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:17,159 But you knew I was in an open relationship. 212 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:20,279 You see, I thought that meant you were just open and honest. 213 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:21,920 Like you're an honest person. 214 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:26,839 Look, Callum... 215 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,759 ...I haven't felt this way about anyone 216 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,319 since the first time I saw Grainne 217 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,999 standing outside a takeaway dressed as a chip, 218 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,199 about to throw herself in front of a bus. 219 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,839 Yeah, she seems to have lived a very hard life, hasn't she? 220 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,159 Yeah - but you have too. 221 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,599 I mean, you two are... 222 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,440 ...very special people to me. 223 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:54,199 Truth is, you are the first match I've had on that bloody app. 224 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:55,519 Wha? 225 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,599 You mustn't have been on it that long. 226 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:01,119 I was one of the original Kickstarter supporters 227 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:02,160 nine years ago. 228 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:04,839 - - I tested the beta. 229 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:06,559 Oh, come here! 230 00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:08,439 HE SOBS Oh! 231 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:11,000 Oh, my God, your wee tears. 232 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:14,279 - Ohhh... - Mm... 233 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:17,759 We all... have our quirks. 234 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,559 If you stick wi' me, I'll ride your balls clean off you. 235 00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:21,960 Ohh... 236 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:26,960 Oh... Give me your wee salty tears. 237 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,520 Hmmm... 238 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,479 Gwen is fantastic, man. She really embraced me, you know? 239 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,279 I think I love her. 240 00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:43,119 So, get ready to witness the most perfect date imaginable. 241 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,199 THEY CHUCKLE 242 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:45,480 Oh, is that her mum? 243 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,239 Oh, my God, Callum, she's kissing her mummy! 244 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:51,839 Look, here's the one prickle on the pickle. 245 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:54,559 Gwen is in an open relationship with a woman called Grainne. 246 00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:56,919 A 50-year-old who disembowels chickens, OK? 247 00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:58,719 Gwen is attracted to sad fuckers 248 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:01,159 and wants a three-way relationship with me and Big G. 249 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,079 - Look at me. Look at me. - I'm scared. 250 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:06,679 I need you to be a strong boy, OK, and I need you to distract Grainne 251 00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:08,599 so I can get some alone time with Gwen. 252 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,360 OK? Look, just play it cool. 253 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:14,199 Hi! 254 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,999 I'm Gwen, this is Grainne. 255 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:17,599 All right, folks? 256 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:19,119 Hi! 257 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,319 Sorry, I just remembered ma' dog died, 258 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,960 so... I'm not gonna be much fun today. 259 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:27,679 GWEN GASPS 260 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,599 Oh, fuck... 261 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:30,759 Just one lick won't hurt... 262 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,159 Oh, no, here, here, here... 263 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:35,279 Let's make the most of the day before it gets bloody dark. 264 00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:36,320 Hai. 265 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,480 That's a nice shirt. 266 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:49,080 PHONE RINGS 267 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,160 Hullo. 268 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:00,920 God, your farm as well? 269 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:06,039 No, no, no, there's no natural way for a quail to put on slacks. 270 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:07,919 It's them, all right. 271 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:11,599 No, look, this is much bigger than I thought. 272 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,760 Territorial war with a brood of leprechaun. 273 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:17,599 I hate to be the one to say it, 274 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:21,359 but all clothed animals must be shot on sight. 275 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:23,079 Mr Boggins. 276 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:24,520 I'll call you back, Fergal. 277 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:28,640 Mr Boggins, I have a confession. 278 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:33,319 For the past month or so I have been sneaking onto your farm 279 00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:36,840 and dressing your animals in tiny garments. 280 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:39,599 Suits for chickens, 281 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:42,159 little sexy tank tops for guinea pigs. 282 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:43,479 I actually even tried to put 283 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,279 these really cute little shoes on a spider, 284 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:49,079 but I got kind of tired when I realised how many feet they had. 285 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:53,039 They're not leprechauns, Mr Boggins. 286 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,720 They just have a really incredible stylist. 287 00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,359 Jenny, darling... 288 00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:05,839 ...I appreciate why you'd make up wee fibs 289 00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:08,919 to save the lives of yer wee animal friends, 290 00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:11,119 but, respectfully... 291 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:14,240 ...we're about to start a leprechaun massacre. 292 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,839 Don't start spouting silly shite like that. 293 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,359 Sammy. 294 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,039 I have a lead on a goose in a caftan 295 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:24,959 about two mile from here, as the goose flies. 296 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,799 To the armoury, Franklin. 297 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:27,920 Yes, sir. 298 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:30,760 Oh, no, that poor goose. 299 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,639 What kinda girl are ye' lookin' on there, darlin'? 300 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:41,519 A big booby milf who likes pizza and chips 301 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:43,799 and has played all the Assassin's Creed games. 302 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:44,840 Ah. 303 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,120 My Gwen uses it. 304 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:51,160 She has her needs, y'know... 305 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,400 ...and I wouldn't wanna houl' her back. 306 00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:02,800 You're not the only one who's going through a hard time, FYI. 307 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,999 My daddies cancelled my PS Plus subscription 308 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:10,239 cos they caught me playing sexy Japanese games again. 309 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,239 They treat me like shit. 310 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,239 It's basically child abuse. 311 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:15,839 I'm so sorry. 312 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:18,119 Yeah. 313 00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,240 We've all got our crosses to bear. 314 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,839 And, see you... 315 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,240 ...you hold yourself so very, very well. 316 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:31,760 Thank you. 317 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:34,920 Thank you! 318 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:37,160 ♪ Girl, I got the goods 319 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,479 ♪ I got the goods... ♪ 320 00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:41,760 What a day! 321 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:44,479 What a day. 322 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,120 THEY LAUGH 323 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:50,919 Mwah! 324 00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:53,079 HE LAUGHS 325 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:56,839 I feel like I'm in an episode of frickin' Gilmore Girls. 326 00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:58,559 THEY LAUGH 327 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,640 An episode where Tristan meets a gorgeous gal called Gwen. 328 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,199 Yeah, she has her quirks... 329 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,039 She seems to be sexually attracted to sadness 330 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,079 and, er, wants a three-way relationship 331 00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:11,359 with another woman called Grainne, who I don't like... 332 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,079 Hello! 333 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:14,519 Were you expecting that? 334 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:15,959 No. 335 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:17,679 ...but none of that matters, 336 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:20,639 because she said she's gonna ride the balls clean off me. 337 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,279 I'm about to say goodbye to my virginity, 338 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:25,599 goodbye to my hymen. 339 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,160 - - I could almost cry from joy. 340 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:30,320 HE SIGHS 341 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,840 Those tears... taste different. 342 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:39,959 Sweet. 343 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,559 Are you back to your wee smiley self? Has this all just been an act? 344 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:43,839 No, I am just... 345 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:44,959 I knew you were lying! 346 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,359 Have you just been happy all this time? 347 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:48,679 Oh, Gwen! 348 00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:50,160 - Piss off! - GWEN! 349 00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,039 Mm, that does sound like a tricky bugger. 350 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:56,399 Well, see, that's just it. 351 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,839 Before I met her, I was truly miserable. 352 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:02,199 Every morning I woke up was another groundhog day of pain and regret. 353 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,479 I was exactly what she wanted. 354 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,239 And she was exactly what I wanted - 355 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,399 a girl willing to have sex with me. 356 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,359 Now every time I think about her, 357 00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:12,719 I get an uncontrollable urge to smile. 358 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,440 I can't stop smiling - look! 359 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,119 OK, so all you really need to do 360 00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,640 is go on a date and have a miserable time. 361 00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:26,479 Why don't you... eat dogshit, like they do on Fear Factor? 362 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:28,159 Fear Factor... 363 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:29,799 I mean, I could come, as well, 364 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:32,799 and look after that stupid lady, if... 365 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,879 ...if you want. 366 00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:37,119 Take her off your hands. 367 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,759 Lorcy, I put a horse in your favourite hat. I'm really sorry. 368 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,479 - Wha?! - I love you, Lorcy. 369 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:42,799 You put the horse in a hat? 370 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,239 - Yeah. - Oh, for fuck's sake, like! 371 00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:45,360 Oh, Lorcy - sheep! 372 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,279 - GWEN SIGHS - Why have you brought me here? 373 00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:52,199 Look, Gwen, let me climb up this very, very, very high wall, 374 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:55,079 even though I have vertigo, and then see how you feel, OK? 375 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,440 - - Right, OK. Hurry up, then! 376 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:10,759 Oh, Jesus Christ... 377 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:11,959 Can I tell you something? 378 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,439 You may, darlin'. 379 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,199 I know she's got a type... 380 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:16,679 ...but I don't think you fit it. 381 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,519 CLAPS ECHO 382 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:22,719 Well, she is into a bit o' the oul emotional sadism, 383 00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:25,760 but, sure, I'll take it where I can get it. 384 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,840 You don't seem sad when you're with me, though. 385 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,999 I don't like it, Gwen! 386 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,959 Wait, wait. Callum, hold on. 387 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:40,999 What?! 388 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,959 This is really doin' something for me. 389 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:46,239 No, thanks, mam, I'm not gonna cripple my legs for a woman. 390 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:47,519 I'm coming down. 391 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:48,919 Come on, Grainne, let's scram. 392 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,440 You're not gonna die today, son. 393 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:53,880 Maybe you could just stay with me. 394 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:59,239 I hope you find yer big booby milf 395 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:02,159 who's raised childer and still found the time 396 00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:05,160 to play all 17 Assassin's Creed games, darlin'. 397 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:08,000 I really do. 398 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,680 How'd she know there were exactly 17? 399 00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:14,160 CALLUM SCREAMS 400 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:17,879 Oh, my God, I'm gonna fuckin' piss myself! 401 00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:20,039 I'm gonna fuckin' piss myself! 402 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:21,799 Get the man, Gwen! 403 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,039 - Don't. - Get the man! Where's the...? Where is he? 404 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:28,119 HE SCREAMS UNCONTROLLABLY 405 00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:29,160 You OK, Callum? 406 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,240 Oh, my God. 407 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,000 Aah, he's so beautiful! 408 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,159 Hey! Hey! I think I heard a goose honk, hai! 409 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:41,599 Lorcy, wait for me! 410 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:42,839 GOOSE HONKS 411 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:44,679 Leprechaun in sight! 412 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:46,239 No body shots, Franklin. 413 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,959 Head 'n' bollox only, the two weak spots. 414 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,639 No, no, no, no, no! Don't do it, Frank! 415 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:51,799 Don't do it! Don't do it! 416 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,239 He's a handsome fella, with that dress on him. 417 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,399 Don't be fooled by his beguiling tricks, Franklin - 418 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:57,719 shoot him in the bollox. 419 00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:59,319 He's dancing around the place. 420 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:00,479 GOOSE HISSES 421 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,599 He'd look the part in a nice pair o' pumps, wouldn't he? 422 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:04,600 Frank. Frank, look at me. 423 00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:07,879 It's just a goose. 424 00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:09,480 It's just a harmless wee goose. 425 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,400 Don't do this. 426 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,679 It does sort of look like a goose, Sammy. 427 00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:19,759 It'd be a shame to shoot a goose in the head, like. 428 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,440 Ah, get out. 429 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,559 This is fer PJ, fucker. 430 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:27,880 GOOSE HONKS 431 00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:30,159 Are you OK, baby? 432 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:31,999 Aye, I'm just navigating a panic attack. 433 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:35,399 - That climbin' wall got me, there. - Awww. 434 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:38,119 - Oh, you were such a good boy climbing up that wall. - Yeah. 435 00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:39,759 Wasn't he, Grainne? 436 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:41,839 Never saw better behaviour in me life, Gwen. 437 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,639 No, me neither. 438 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:45,239 Not since Bertie. 439 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:47,519 It's hard to believe it's been a week to the day 440 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:49,599 since he got his arse exploded off. 441 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,079 He really was a dog for life. 442 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,079 - Mmm... - But then he died. 443 00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:54,799 Yeah. 444 00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,479 Oh, my God, my thyroid! 445 00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:57,799 You all right, son? 446 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,759 My overactive thyroid gland! 447 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,359 What happened? What is it? 448 00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:02,799 I have an overactive thyroid gland, 449 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:05,399 and some day I might needa' get surgery on it, 450 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,239 and they could scratch my vocal cords 451 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:10,079 - and I could... - - ...end up talking like this. 452 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:11,279 Oh! 453 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,679 - You're the saddest person I've ever been with. - Yeah. 454 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:17,359 I dunno how long I'm gonna last for you two sad wee fuckers. 455 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:19,039 Oh, there we go. 456 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:20,239 Mwah! 457 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:21,919 I want you to dance for me. 458 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:22,959 Do you? 459 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,119 Mm-hm, yeah. Oh, yeah! 460 00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:26,959 Ooh, ooh, oooooh! 461 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:28,999 That boy's been to classes. 462 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:30,679 Yeah! Shake those nipples! 463 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:31,959 Shake the nipples! 464 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,039 More! PHONE RINGS 465 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,559 - I'm a virgin, Gwen! - Uh-huh! 466 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,639 I'm a sad little virgin, Gwen. 467 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:40,359 I want you to pop my cherry. 468 00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:44,000 I want to watch you two pump each other like sad dogs. 469 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:47,320 Grainne? 470 00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:55,520 SHE GASPS 471 00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:59,599 What's wrong, baby? 472 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:01,039 Oh! 473 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:02,639 Gwen, darling, I'm sorry. 474 00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:04,240 I think I'm breaking up with ye. 475 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:08,599 Oh! 476 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:10,679 Gwen, wait, Gwen, baby! 477 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:12,479 Tchw, tchw, tchw! 478 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:14,239 That was fast! 479 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,319 Do you want me to stay, Gwen? 480 00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:18,279 Fuck off outta my house! 481 00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:19,400 KISSING 482 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:23,240 Hello, sixth time. THEY LAUGH 483 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:27,159 Fuck you! Fuck you! 484 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:28,560 Fuck! 485 00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:34,120 No sign of leprechaun. 486 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,279 Franklin, I think we can stand down. 487 00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:42,719 As I always say, better a dead goose than an infestation of leprechaun. 488 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,399 He does actually say that quite a lot. 489 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,239 You know, there's been a fair few fallen geese 490 00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:47,520 in this blood feud, like. 491 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:52,399 Well, I mean, I guess it's still got some of its clothes on, 492 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:54,559 and there are, like, bits of it on its clothes... 493 00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:55,839 Gemma... 494 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:57,960 ...maybe it's time you got another hobby. 495 00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,399 Have yous ever played sticky ball? 496 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:02,719 What the hell's sticky ball? 497 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:06,039 Velcro paddles, tennis ball, and literally hours of fun. 498 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:07,079 - Oh! - OK. - Yeah. 499 00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:08,960 You'd love it. Let me show you. 500 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:11,640 OWL HOOTS 501 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:15,639 - Hey, Cal. - Yeah, bud? 502 00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:16,879 I'm sorry Gwen dumped you 503 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:18,799 and I got in the way of you losing your virginity. 504 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:24,519 Aw, it's fine, I'll keep my willy nice and warm for another woman, ha. 505 00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:26,000 Apology accepted. 506 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:29,959 Yeah, she was like a psycho sadness vampire. 507 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:31,919 You were her tasty lil' Bella. 508 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:33,959 Hmm! Yeah. It's funny, 509 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,319 a part of me actually thought, if I'd just stuck with it, 510 00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:38,559 I might've formed a healthy relationship in the end, 511 00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:40,799 but I suppose that's the sorta warped thinking 512 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,080 that sends people drinking to their deaths, huh? 513 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,599 I really did enjoy our dalliance. 514 00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:48,679 I'm sure you'll find someone. You're a lovely fella. 515 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:49,879 Thanks, Grainne. 516 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:51,239 Very well said, Grainne. 517 00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:52,999 Thank you very much. 518 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:54,880 THEY LAUGH 519 00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:58,759 Your smell is so good. 520 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:00,399 Your wee pheromones. 521 00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:03,879 I'm so glad I'm not a lonely little loser any more. 522 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:06,159 You're my third favourite Jordan, Jordan, 523 00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:07,839 just behind the River Jordan... 524 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:09,119 - Ah, yeah? - ...and Katie Price. 525 00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:10,559 Oh, yeah? 526 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:12,079 Mmm... 527 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:13,840 THEY MOAN